What’s a Woman, What’s a Man, What’s an Alien to Do?

Part One: Thinking about hard questions

I enjoy discussing hard questions and difficult topics… especially with people who disagree with me. I always end up smarter afterwards. However, it’s impossible to have reasonable discussions once a question is politicized. So, I always try to frame them in non-inflammatory scenarios. That’s because I’m actually interested in the discussion, not in winning the argument.

In fact, I’m more interested in other people’s opinions than I am in mine. I already know mine.

So, when I wrote about Happy the elephant, I wasn’t really interested in elephants, per se (although I like ‘em). I was interested in this question: “Can we ever know what’s going on in another person’s mind?”

It’s easier to think about the question in terms of Happy the elephant than in terms of abortion, euthanasia, how we treat people with special needs, or how we interact with our spouses and children.

However, despite the fact that it’s a really hard question… we all act as if we know the answer.

For instance, if you’ve ever called someone a “jerk” (or worse) after they cut you off on the expressway, you've made an assumption about what’s going on in the driver’s mind, haven’t you? Based on the behavior, you assumed he was an insensitive lout, correct? (Admit it… I’m guilty of this too.)

But think for a minute… perhaps the driver was a devoted parent rushing home to a sick child. Perhaps she was in tears after a horrible day at work and was simply distracted. (When you get a few minutes, listen to this talk by David Foster Wallace.) Does that make sense?

Now, apparently, some formerly easy questions have become really hard. For example, “What Is a Woman?” This one’s so difficult that even a Harvard education is insufficient preparation to come up with an answer. So, let’s skip it for now. (I think that belongs in Part 2.)

Instead, let’s ask, “What is a man?” Biologically speaking — and I’m only speaking biologically now — this is pretty straightforward. I would say it’s an adult human with a functioning SRY gene (carried on the Y chromosome), and functioning androgen receptors (which mediate the effects of masculinizing hormones). Wow, that was easy.

However, there’s another, more difficult form of this question. What if you’re not asking the question from a biological perspective? Well, then it’s a completely different question with a very different answer… even if you’re using exactly the same words.

Think of it this way: It’d be futile (and exasperating) to argue back-and-forth about the definition of “chair” if you believed a chair has to be a platform with legs, and someone else insisted that it could be anything you sit on, like a beanbag chair or a sack of potatoes. This is the type of irreconcilable argument that drives people to the extremes. In the end, it’s an argument about words, not reality. And, you can’t win an argument with someone who’s changed the definition of the words you’re using.

Frankly, I don’t think a sack of potatoes is a “chair,” but arguing back and forth won’t settle anything. In fact, I think it can make the issue more intractable. There are, of course, effective and practical ways to resolve this type of disagreement but a lot of people aren’t interested in them. I think they just enjoy the argument.

* * * * *

So, let’s say an extraterrestrial visitor (we’ll use the name Aiden) landed on earth, and wanted to fit in by emulating a human man. What would Aiden do? Well, for starters, our visitor would change its outward appearance — to whatever extent it could — to look like a human man. Then, what?

Based on what we learned from Happy the elephant, it’d be impossible for Aiden to have any first-hand experience of being a man. So, it couldn’t just spontaneously act like a man. Aiden would have to think for a while, and decide how to act based on whatever information it could gather (probably from the Internet). However, the information would always be filtered through the mind of an extraterrestrial…  It would always be an alien’s interpretation of a man’s behavior.

Let me explain what I mean…

Do you remember Forrest Gump’s answer to the question, “Are you stupid?” Gump always replied, “Stupid is as stupid does.” What he meant was that people are defined not just by how they act, but also by society's assumptions about the motivations behind their actions. That’s why we called the driver who cut us off on the expressway a “jerk.” We made assumptions about the guy’s state of mind based on how he acted. If I recounted the incident at a party, I might be tempted to embellish the story with a silly, mocking voice to be sure I let everyone know what I thought about the guy’s mental state… even though there is no way I could actually know that. You’ve seen people do this, right?

Well, our alien friend, Aiden would do the same thing. Aiden would choose some behaviors and then play them out in ways that reflected its presumptions about men’s attitudes and motivations (no matter how erroneous they were).

So, how would Aiden act?

Well, my guess is that Aiden would not act like a caring stay-at-home dad, a visionary sculptor, a skilled neurosurgeon, or a kindly hospice chaplain… despite the fact that these are roles held mostly by men. I’d bet that Aiden would pretend to be a man by acting out a caricature of a man… like those depicted in social media.

Without any first-hand knowledge of what it’s like to be a man, Aiden might very well act like some parents describe their daughters as acting when they assume a male persona.  In fact, I can imagine sitting next to Aiden in a bar and having this conversation:

me: “Excuse me. Just out of curiosity, why are you being so rude and aggressive to the bartender… Did she do something?”

Aiden: “BURP… scratch… Hey, Bud, I’m a man, I can do whatever I want. f#@& off!”

me: “You’re telling me that just ‘cause you got a Y chromosome, you’re OK acting like that?”

Aiden: “I don’t believe in that biology crap. I’m just a man, get it? I Googled this stuff… I know what I’m doing. Leave me alone.

me: “Yeah, I get it. But if you’re going to pull this off, you’re going to have to be pretty tolerant because most people are using the word ‘man’ differently than you are. And, try not to piss people off… that won’t help you at all.

“Also, as a Psychologist, let me give you some advice… the same advice I gave to my sons. Good men don’t act like you’re acting. A good man is strong but kind, competent but generous, inclusive, loving and protective toward those who need it. He holds firm to his principles without being rude, condescending or patronizing. And, he never tries to diminish another person in order to make himself appear more important.

“Wait… come to think of it, that’s the exact same advice I gave to my daughter.

“I guess — except for that biological sex thing — there’s really no difference between a good man and a good woman.”

Aiden: “Oh, my bad.”